Losing Your Page

Losing your page in the book you’re reading is a bummer. It’s a bummer because it forces you to flip through at random looking for parts you recognize, needlessly rereading passages you completed ages ago. It’s especially a bummer if the book is a tome that you’re skimming in places, because it’s likely that you won’t recognize anything you’ve already read. Might as well start over. Bookmarks are at the root of this bummer, because although they are undeniably useful, they are also undeniably fey. Double bummer: losing your place in the regular text AND the over-long footnotes (ahem Infinite Jest).  

Caught In A Lie

Getting caught in a lie is a bummer. Not only do you have to tell the truth about something you clearly didn’t want to tell the truth about, but you have to explain why you’re lying, which is probably going to be hugely awkward and might result in feelings of anger, betrayal, resentment and a lot of other issues that someone is going to have to unpack with a therapist later on in life. Even worse is if you decide to cover your first lie with another lie, because now you’re down the rabbit hole of mendacity and there’s no clawing your way back up. You might as well sell your passport and get a new identity, because you’re about to tell so many lies that moving out of town to avoid the truth will look like a pretty good option. Super earnest anti-bummer: The Decemberists song Billy Liar. Fanciful un-bummer: Tall tales.

Getting to Queens

Getting to Queens is a bummer. Trying to get to Queens from Brooklyn really drives home the fact that the subway makes no sense at all. Going into Manhattan only to immediately leave Manhattan is such an arg! that it’s almost like whoever created the subway did it on purpose to test your ability not to lose your shit somewhere around 34th Street. Getting to Staten Island is probably a similar bummer, but that’s not somewhere you’d legitimately want to go, so it’s not that bad. Also a bummer: Accidentally going to the Bronx. Not a bummer: Drag queens.

Bouncing A Check

Bouncing a check is a bummer. Not only are overdraft fees killer, but it also makes your next trip to the bank almost unbearable. Even if the teller doesn’t mention it, you’ll be overwhelmed by the crippling fear that she’s gonna make a snide remark. Plus, overdrawing your account is indicative of a way more serious bummer, being broke. Good luck trying to squeeze more than 50 bucks out of your dad to get you through to your next pay check. Also a bank bummer: ATM fees. Not a bummer: bank error in your favor, collect $200.

Growing Out Of Comic Sans

Growing out of Comic Sans is a bummer. Realizing that Comic Sans is a really stupid font is a huge downer because it marks the end of a whimsical era of your life. Once you discover that Comic Sans is basically only appropriate for a hastily printed sign telling you that the bathroom of the Tastee-D is out of order, you’ve left the halcyon days of carefree font use for good. No more using Curlz on the title page of your book reports, no more making Lucida Handwriting your default IM font and definitely no more thinking Wingdings is the most hilarious thing ever invented. Welcome to adulthood, where impact is about as crazy as it’s ever gonna get. Not a bummer: Loving fonts. Nerd bummer: When serif v. sans serif debates turn violent.

Office Smells Like Tuna

When the office smells like tuna it’s a bummer. The only person that enjoys a tuna smell is the person eating the tuna. If you’re not eating the tuna, it just makes you think “Gee, now I know how Pinocchio felt when he was trapped inside that whale.” Plus, you don’t even have the option of lighting a fire to get barfed up, because lighting fires in the office is not allowed and besides, buildings can’t vomit. This means you’re stuck with the tuna smell until it’s time to go home. Which is about 100% too long.

Blisters

Blisters are a bummer. Because, ow! Also, they take forever to go away because you most likely got one in that uncomfortable back-of-the-heel region which means that every time you want to leave the house you have to try on every pair of shoes you own to see if you can find a pair that does not agitate your open wound (ugh! gross!) So you’re like “Nope, nope, goddamn it, ouch, nope, nope” until you’re forced to assemble an outfit around a pair of dirty flip-flops most notable for the number of East European showers they have been in. Not at all a bummer: That David Sedaris story where he works as an elf at Macy’s and eventually gets pissed and changes his elf name from Crumpet to Blisters. Also a bummer: Google image searching “Blisters.” Don’t do it!

Grocery Store Is Out Of The Good Kind

The grocery store running out of the good kind of Triscuits is a bummer. It’s especially  a bummer because the good kind of Triscuits (rosemary and olive oil) is head and shoulders above the regular kind. After you’ve had the sweet ambrosia of the good kind, the regular kind tastes like a square of sandpaper or a dirt pancake. And who wants to waste $6 gruyere on a dirt pancake? Less of a bummer: the medium good kind, roasted garlic. Redundant bummer: the cheddar kind, which is the equivalent of cracker-flavored cheese.

Faceful of sand

Accidentally getting a faceful of sand is a bummer. In fact, after “sand in swimsuit” and of course “sunburn,” this is probably the biggest beach bummer, mostly because it happens every single time you go to the beach. As soon as you set foot on a beach, you know that at some point during the day, a kid is going to jerk a towel off the ground and send a tornado of sand right into your face. You’re powerless to stop it. Even if you don’t have kids, aren’t sitting near kids, don’t even really talk to kids, a kid is going to seek you out and manage to whip sand into your mouth. It’s like in the kid code of ethics or something: “Must remind adults who really rules summer.”

Sunburn

Getting a sunburn is a bummer. Sunburn is actually a double bummer, because it hurts and looks stupid, which everyone knows are two major bummer categories that actually encapsulate the majority of all other bummers. Sunburn also sucks because you should definitely know better. Like by this time you should have realized that you burn easily and should therefore apply sunscreen early and often. You should have also realized that you are terrible at said application of sunscreen, and therefore should have taken care not to somehow put it on so you have one perfect, unburned fingerprint on your left shoulder. Gross bummer: Peeling. Coconut un-bummer: the awesome smell of sunscreen.