Drunk On The Subway

 

Being drunk on the subway is a bummer. It’s not so bad if you’re with your friends on the way to some party and everyone’s acting all tipsy and hilarious. But if you’re alone on your way home, and said party was kind of a bust, being on the subway is the world’s biggest downer. When you’re sitting there wasted, waiting for the train, those glaring fluorescent lights are so unforgiving it’s like they have the power to lay bare your soul and expose the sham of a person you really are. Plus, every minute feels like an hour, and you can’t even pass the time with a book, because around drink seven your literacy goes out the window, along with your hand-eye coordination and ability to tell who is good looking and who isn’t. Costly but worth it antibummer: taking a cab.

Inappropriate Pajamas

Inappropriate pajamas are a bummer. Not inappropriate pajamas as in “assless chaps worn to bed” or anything. That’s fine, if puzzling. But inappropriate pajamas, as in “when people wear their jim-jammers out in public,” is a huge bummer. Seeing some dude walking down the street in flannel bunny-print pants is completely infuriating because it’s like he’s letting the entire human race down. If this civilization thing is gonna work, everyone’s got to come together and agree to go out in real clothes. Also, if you are caught rocking inappropriate pajamas by people you know, you better be prepared to shoulder the nickname “Inappropriate Pajamas” and various derivatives like “Inapropes Jammies” for the rest of your life.

Social Faux Pas

Making a social faux pas is a bummer. Even though every social interaction is basically a game of minesweeper, where the odds of getting your legs blown off are  close to 100 percent, it’s still a bummer when it happens. Putting your foot in your mouth sucks, because after you accidently dis someone’s cousin or beloved pet, it’s pretty hard to know where to go from there. After your joke misses the mark, your only option is to stand there cringing until the injured party invents some pretext for walking away and to console yourself with the notion that even Michael Jordan throws bricks sometimes. Also a bummer: not really understanding the rules to minesweeper and just clicking wildly until you get killed.

Library Rules

Library rules are a bummer. Wanting a quiet study environment is one thing, but imposing draconian limits on human behavior for the sake of silence is quite another. No eating, no making noise, no cell phones? Who drafted these, the Third Reich? The worst thing about library rules is how infectious they are on other library patrons, like if you cough immediately 20 heads snap up and start glaring at you. And do not even think about eating a granola bar, unless you feel like grappling with the nerd sitting two rows down, because by the looks of it, he will come across the table and leg drop your ass. Also a bummer: Worrying that you are breathing really loud and that everyone in the library is secretly annoyed.

Packing

Packing is a bummer. It’s a bummer because pretty much everyone puts it off until the night before, or even the morning of. This means that when you get to your destination,  exhausted from your trip, you realize that all you’ve brought with you are fishnet tights, a quilted vest and conditioner. Packing up your whole apartment for a move is an even bigger bumout, because, in addition to being totally annoying and time-consuming, it also makes you confront how freaking weird you are. Because really, why have you moved three times now with 100 feet of ethernet cable and a kit that teaches you how to make famous monuments out of balloons? Whimsical unbummer: Balloon Eiffel Tower!!!!!!

FedEx

FedEx is a bummer. Trying to receive a FedEx, that is. Sending a FedEx is alright, and can even be an unbummer, if you’re into getting ignored by Kinko’s employees. But trying to receive a FedEx is a bummer because it’s not just waiting for a package. It’s a high-stakes game of cat and mouse. Will they come when you’re home? Will they ring the doorbell? Will they abide by the edicts you scrawl on their flimsy door tag? Will you ever get off hold with the shipping center? It’s like a Bond film, except 10000 times more annoying. And no one is wearing a tuxedo. And no one dies (usually). Similar bummer: UPS.

Sleepwalking

Sleepwalking is a bummer. It’s a bummer for the sleepwalker because it’s super embarrassing to be awakened by your roommate whilst trying to wear your pillow case like pants. It’s also a bummer for the awake guy, because sleepwalkers are basically zombies and (moral conundrum!) do you chop the zombie’s head off to save yourself and all of humanity or do you let your buddy live? Even though there are a lot of urban legends about not waking sleepwalkers because it causes brain damage, it’s advisable to rouse your spooky friend before he pees in a kitchen cabinet. Also a bummer: waking up in some wack locale.

Rainbow Wheel Of Death

The rainbow wheel of death is a bummer. When your fancy-pants Mac gives you that ominous, faux-cheery disk of confusion, you are truly truly fucked. Not only are you going to lose whatever you were working on (shoulda had it on auto-save you rube!), you also have to sit there and be mocked by your crap-puter through the entire force-quit process. That spinning death wheel is the computer equivalent of two middle fingers up plus a humping motion right in your face. Comparable lo-fi PC bummer: that smug hour-glass.

End Of Summer

The end of summer is a bummer. It’s pretty impossible not to get a hollow feeling on Labor Day, because even if your summer didn’t totally kick butt, it still looks like the Sandlot in retrospect. Now you have to wait an entire year to french that hot lifeguard, get your baseball stolen by a mean dog and have various other coming of age capers with your best pals. And because you’re an adult now, all there is to look forward to about fall is blazers and impressing the shit out of everyone with your robot Halloween costume. Sensual unbummer: tricking Wendy Peffercorn into an m.o. session at the community pool.

Wasted Outfit

Wasting a good outfit is a bummer. Putting together the perfect ensemble just to waste it by not going anywhere good or seeing anyone you know is a sartorial bummer of the highest order. What’s the point of putting any effort into getting dressed if you can’t wow your friends and enemies with your personal style? The real burn is that no matter how long it took you to get it right, the lady at the Post Office is probably never going to stop and go “Great belt! You look like a 1940s secretary whacked out on pills!” and you can only compliment yourself so many times before it switches over from self-affirmations to multiple personalities. Also a bummer: Seeing someone when you have just woken up and are running to the store to get coffee and therefore your hair looks like a bird’s nest.