Cabbage Night

Cabbage Night is a bummer. Back in adolescence, the night before Halloween was such a colossal unbummer it could be fairly classified as “the ultimate.” But in adulthood, things like egging your worst enemy’s house are considered more the acts of a deranged vandal than a mischievous prankster. Now Cabbage Night only serves as a reminder of your lost youth, when you were free to TP the principal’s front yard without being forced to ask yourself the question: am I so hard-core school is for fools that I am willing to travel 800 miles to slightly inconvenience a man who is undoubtedly retired and, at this point, seriously elderly? (Answer: yes). Birthday shout out unbummer: born on Cabbage Night = a lifelong dedication to sophomoric pranks. Holler back Molly Somers.

Poor Deodorant Choice

Making a poor deodorant choice is a bummer. Now that it’s the Greatest Depression, it’s waste not want not, so even if that six dollar organic deodorant smells so much like lemon Pledge that even thinking about putting it on makes you want to dust the coffee table, you’re stuck with it till it runs out, which means you get to spend over a month thinking about how organic deodorant is for assholes. On the plus side, the coffee table has never looked better. On the minus side, you’re an asshole. Good smell unbummer: Citrus fruits. Good smell bummer: Being wayyyyy too into citrus.

Vending Machine Fiasco

Having a vending machine fiasco is a bummer. It’s a bummer when you go to the vending machine to get a little refreshment in the form of a delicious (?) Mountain Dew and the thing takes your money and spits out a Lipton Brisk Iced Tea. It’s even worse if you refuse to believe that the machine was probably loaded wrong and didn’t just “make a mistake” and therefore you keep going back and trying again, which makes people think that you have some weird and intense form of obsessive compulsive disorder that drives you to buy a canned iced tea every five seconds. Vending machine best day ever unbummer: Free pack of M&Ms!

Busted Groovin’

Getting busted grooving to a really lame song is a bummer. It’s one thing to enjoy a little Tom Petty’s Greatest Hits on your own time, but it’s quite another to get busted mouthing the words to that Santana and Rob Thomas song from 1999. Sure, it may be infectious and yes, you probably did have that album back in the day, but that’s no reason to get up in the faces of all the other shoppers at the organic food store and be like “I AM OK WITH JAMMING ALONG TO EMBARRASSING RADIO HITS.” They didn’t ask for that. This isn’t confession, it’s a group of tired yuppies seeking out diet soy products. Also a bummer: That time that Matchbox 20 changed its name to Matchbox Twenty. Cool rebranding. Not at all a bummer despite the implications of this post: Tom Petty’s Greatest Hits.

Wearing Socks

Wearing socks is a bummer. Even though summer has been over for donks, putting on socks is an admission that this winter thing is actually going to happen again. It’s especially a bummer if you grew up in a sub-tropical paradise where the outlandishness of socks was trumped only by those so-called “coats” that you had heard of but never seen. Plus, wearing socks feels like putting your feet in The Chokey, and what did they ever do to deserve that, besides encourage Brucey to finish that whole cake and make stuff move with their eyes? Also a bummer: mean socks (pictured). Roald Dahl unbummer: Matilda.

Breaking A Nail

Breaking a nail is a bummer. Sure, it’s a bummer because now your hands look all raggy like you just got buried alive and had to punch your way out, but it’s mostly a bummer because you can’t mention that it happened without sounding like Cher from Clueless, and while that is totally an unbummer when you mean to do it, getting called out on talking like a bimbo is way harsh, Tai. Related bummers: Hangnail, chipping your nail polish. Unbummer of the century: “Ugh, as if!”

Slutty Halloween Costumes

Slutty Halloween costumes are a bummer. Some one needs to explain to girls who didn’t have nice dads that Halloween is less about novelty garters than it is about the platonic love between two robots and an atomic bomb (pictured). Plus, unless you’re trying to look like a ham caught in a chainlink fence, you probably shouldn’t ever wear fishnet tights. On the other hand, if you put together, say, a perfectly executed home made Garfield costume (instructions here) it’s basically guaranteed that everyone is going to beg you to do hilarious things like run around and fall down and hug that one guy until you’re like “jeez dudes, get off my nuts, isn’t anyone else here dressed as a fat animal?” Not a bummer: what’s more perfect about that A-bomb costume? The mushroom cloud or the jeans and New Balances down below?

Halloween Haters

People who hate Halloween are a bummer. How could you possibly hate a holiday that consists solely of being tricky and eating treats while in costume?!?!?! It’s like getting to heaven and being like “Man, this place is dead anyways. Let’s get out of here.” A good way to gauge a person’s fun level is to ask them about their Halloween plans. If they’re like “I hate Halloween. It’s a holiday for children, there’s no way I’m dressing up,” they better expect to tell the second half of that sentence to your hand, because your face don’t wanna hear it. Conversely, if they’re like “Halloween? Yeah, I’m gonna be a cell phone and my two pals are being ketchup and mustard,” by the time they finish you should already be halfway to the store to buy one of those broken heart BFF necklaces.

Losing Your Voice

Losing your voice is a bummer. At first it’s fun because you can pretend you’re Marlene Dietrich and saunter around all world-weary and “over it,” but after about an hour of that you’ve gotta own up to the fact that you sound like Sling Blade. Plus, good luck getting taken seriously over the phone, unless you’re doing prank calls where you’re pretending to be someone’s grandma, in which case, score! Also a bummer: The fact that children cannot understand anything unless it is explained in an illustrated storybook by a talking dog. (see pic).

Asking For A Raise

Asking for a raise is a bummer. It’s a bummer because if you took a step back for a second and saw how sincere you are with your nervous little prepared speech about “putting in a solid year here” and your special serious employee shirt, the whole thing would break your heart so irreparably that you’d probably have to quit your job and think about puppies and kitties and beer full time just to get back on an even keel. On the other hand, who gives a fuck, because, as Bone Thugs N Harmony used to say, make money money make money money make it. Not a bummer: getting the raise. Irresponsible unbummer: is it cool to get animals drunk? Jury’s still out on this one.