Broken Hairdryer

A broken hairdryer is a bummer. Especially if it’s not all the way broken, like if it works if you hold the cord in a certain position and do not under any circumstances move. This is a worse bummer than just regular old broken because it makes you think you can put off getting a new one. Bad news, you can’t. Well, you can, but then you’re going to wake up one morning to find that the thing has conked out for good, which, if you have the kind of haircut where you absolutely HAVE to dry it, will lead you to think “Maybe if I put my head in the oven, just for a minute or two …,” which will immediately be followed by you thinking “This could be rock bottom.” Also a bummer: Oven doesn’t work so that idea is right out the window.

Cost Of Saline Solution

The cost of saline solution is a bummer. Why does that junk cost $8 when it’s made of salt water, the world’s most plentiful resource? What burns the most is that basically everyone wears contacts these days, which means 100% of the population is getting fleeced by the mustache-twirling villains at Bausch & Lomb (pictured above). And there’s absolutely nothing you can do about it, cause, as you discovered the hard way, you can’t just “make your own,” unless you want to have to call in to work the next day because your home brew has wreaked a havoc on your eyes the likes of which has not been seen since the fire bombing of Dresden. That’s right, 250,000 casualties. Also a bummer: realizing you’re out of saline at like two in the morning.

Tumblr

Tumblr is a bummer. If you’ve been around the Internet block, you know that Tumblr is the worst blogging site in the world, period point blank. This even includes Livejournal, which could not look more Web 1.0 if it tried. No, Tumblr’s the worst. The pictures get distorted, there are like zero layout options, and all the “features” are like “Post from your phone!” or “Post by instant message!” or other things that only appeal to you if you write a blog about your stupid boring life and think putting your text messages online is just HI-larious. Sure, complaining about this is a bit like bitching about the design of the bar on Tatooine, but nerdy whining is basically what the Internet is for, so get over it. Also a bummer: Still blogging on Tumblr, despite the suckage.

Overpopularity of Chuck Taylors

The overpopularity of Chuck Taylors is a bummer. Back before The Strokes absolutely ruined several cool kid staples (Chucks, blazers, messy hair), Chuck Taylors were a great way to tell who was rad. If someone was wearing Cons, they were either totally in with the in crowd, or totally into The Sandlot (not that those two categories are mutually exclusive). Nowadays, they basically issue Chucks to everyone coming through the Lincoln Tunnel (that’s why there’s so much traffic). Even babies wear them. And while yeah, it’s cool that people are now turning up their noses at Sketchers or whatever, it means that in order to judge people you have to actually talk to them. And who has the time for that? 2001 nostalgia unbummer: Boy, those Strokes were cute, right?

Cold As A Butt

When it’s cold as a mo’fuckin butt out it’s a bummer. It’s a bummer because you don’t want to go to work, don’t want to walk half a block to the coffee shop during your lunch break, and don’t want to go meet your posse at the bar. You don’t want to do anything. Except maybe find a cave somewhere and hibernate for the entire winter, making deadly paw swipes at anyone who tries to rouse you, cause bears know where it’s at. But don’t get too excite about that plan either, cause even finding a cave in this city is gonna be a huge freaking hassle. You’ll probably end up settling for some kind of death tunnel in Central Park where you’ll be sliced up by a degenerate the second you curl up on the cozy (?) ground. Ugh.

Chapped Lips

Chapped lips are a bummer. Granted, they’re an easily solved bummer, cause just like get a thing of Blistex, grease those puppies up and call it a day. As far as bummers are concerned, this one is on par with perpetual juice mustache as “mouth region problems most 2nd-graders can solve.” In fact seeing an adult with cracked lips is the exact same brand of WTF as seeing a kid with severe juice stache back in the day. It was like, what the hell guy, don’t you have any crazy straws? Try to keep your snout out of the Hi-C for fucks sake. Whimsical unbummer: crazy straws.

Dumb Song Stuck In Your Head

Having a dumb song stuck in your head is a bummer. It sucks to have any song stuck in your head, but you at least get some street cred if it’s like Sad Eyed Lady of the Lowlands or something. On the other hand, if you’ve got The Locomotion stuck in your head, not only are you going to annoy the shit out of your brain until you get that guy out of there, you’re also going to invariably get busted softly crooning “so come on come on and doooooooo the locomotion with meeeeeee!” to yourself at the copier. Also a bummer: sorry, as a result of this post you now have The Locomotion stuck in your head.

Oprah’s Constantly Fluctuating Weight

Oprah’s constantly fluctuating weight is a bummer.  It’s a bummer because no matter what she does, no matter how many acai berries she eats or physical trainers she employs, she’s gonna be thin one year and fat the next. That sucks! No one should have to endure that, especially not Oprah, who basically everyone agrees is totally rad in all respects, and is especially rad because she refuses to just buy a skinny body, which she could do because she has more money than God. A good solution would be if she named “Everyone shutting the hell up about what I weigh” one of her famous Favorite Things and gave everyone in the world a dollar as hush money. Oprah unbummer: This weeks she’s doing that thing where she tracks down people with super messy apartments and has professionals organize their lives. Oprah bummer: Thinking too much about whether Oprah secretly binge eats.

5 Drinks Behind

Being five drinks behind your friends is a bummer. Showing up late to the party because you were at work or taking a disco nap or whatever seems pretty righteous at first because the implication is that you’re coming straight from big pimpin’ spending G’s at Bungalow 8 (is that still a place?). But after a while, around the time your pal tries to take his pants off over his head, it will begin to dawn on you that your tardiness has set you back half a dozen drinks. Now you can either try to catch up, which you’re not going to be able to do without going all college on that party’s ass (i.e. beer bonging, shotgunning, etc.) or spend the rest of the night trying persuade Mr. Too Much Fun and Captain Zany to keep their butts out of the chip bowl. Not a bummer: your life, if your friends are the dudes above.

Dearth Of Linguistic Fads

The recent dearth of lingustic fads is a bummer. It’s been a hot minute since a good linguistic fad swept the nation, captivating the hearts and minds of everyone from schoolchildren to pundits to politicians. The linguistic craze drought can be traced back to the turn of the 21st century, which is probably when Americans collectively hammered the last nail in the coffin of Ebonics. Before that, the world suffered through an even longer period of lingual uncreativity, given that whats-his-face made up Esperanto in 1887 and it failed to catch on almost immediately. Talking is so boring these days. Whither the zany linguists spending hours alone dreaming up abbreviated alphabets and pining away for a return to cuneiform? Consolation unbummer: Pig Latin will never die.