Death Of John Updike

John Updike’s death is a bummer. It’s a bummer because that pretty much does it for the old guard of literary heroes, with the exception of Tom Wolfe, who is probs watching his impeccably dressed back right now. On the bright side, at least Updike didn’t break your little heart by blowing his brains out like some people. Now that Rabbit’s at rest all that’s left to do is sit here and wait til Sherman McCoy kicks it. That’ll be the cue to fall on your sword. Stud alert unbummer: how cute was 1960s Updike? Genuine bummer: hats off to you, Mr. Updike, you were one of the greats.

Big Butts On The Subway*

Big butts on the subway are a bummer. You know, like when someone big sits in the middle of the the three seats, when you’re in seat A and someone else is in seat C and some big ass mama plops down in B and their large butt sitting down actually turns the page of your book? On the other hand, good looking out on the page turning, lady! Russian subway bummer: See pic.

*This bummer submitted by J-Bags, who is so freaking famous right now.**

**If you want to be as rich as J-Bags, send your bummers to totalbumout@gmail.com

Day Four Of The Great Cable Outage Of 2K9

Day four of The Great Cable Outage of 2K9 is a bummer. It’s a bummer because even though at first you were mildly annoyed, before long things cooled down and you were like “Oh, this isn’t so bad. There’s more to life than TV and the Internet! Is this self-actualization?!” But then before you got too jazzed about finding your true path in life or whatever, the weekend came, you got sick, and you realized that, fuck fulfillment, you’d rather have TV back, thanks. And now, in the heart of darkness of day four of TGCOO2K9 (pronounced tug-coo-too-kay-nine) you find yourself having thoughts like “If this lasts for 57 days I am seriously going to Kurtz out over here.” Can someone send Marlow over to check out the cable box? Most important TV show of our time bummer: Missing Gossip Girl because of stupid cable outage. Shitty tattoo unbummer: HAHA LOOK AT THE SHITTY TATTOO SOMEONE GOT! (see pic)

No Cure For The Common Cold

The fact that there is no cure for the common cold is a bummer. What is with science lately? Um, hello, scientists? Y’all put a man on the moon in the 1960s. THE NINETEEN SIXTIES! Why not take some of the gung-ho that you had back then and apply it to something that people can actually use? Besides, by the looks of it NASA is taking the bajillions of dollars they get every year, cashing it in for small, unmarked bills and going and making it rain in the antigravity simulator. (In all fairness, who wouldn’t have that as first on their list? Mars isn’t going anywhere.) How ’bout fuck NASA for a few years, and right on with funding some kind of magic pill that will keep you from having to wipe your nose every five seconds like a goddamn baby? Molecular mindfuck unbummer: The common cold bears a striking resemblance to a Koosh ball.

High School Mean Girls*

High school mean girls are a huge bummer. They’re a bummer because let’s face it, they’re all straight up bitches. They prance around in their stupid Abercrombie logo tees thinking they’re so awesome. Too bad they don’t know that soon enough they’ll be working at the make-up counter in Belks for a living! Karma sucks! Or even better, maybe they will end up fat like the girls from Romy and Michelle’s High School Reunion! 

*This guest bummer by Taylor Somers, who is so freaking famous right now.**

**If you want to be as rich as T.S., send your bummers to totalbumout@gmail.com

Tiny Gloves

Tiny gloves are a bummer. Wearing gloves that cut off right at the wrist bone is almost worse than wearing no gloves at all, because since coats rarely encroach on hand territory, that means you’ve got a half-inch strip of exposed skin that is getting its ass kicked by the elements. For some reason, the wind is much more cruel when it’s focusing all it’s attention on what is basically the Siberia of the arm. Also tiny gloves suck because if you own a pair it means you don’t know how big your hands are and it’s like what the hell, get to know your limbs, dude. Tiny Gloves unbummer: Sounds like the name of a down-and-out boxer in a Nelson Algren story.

Asinine Schedule

Creating an asinine schedule for yourself is a bummer. It’s a bummer when you’re sitting there trying to figure out which boring chores you’re going to cram into what part of your day and some part of your dumbass brain goes “Why don’t you get up bright and early and do laundry tomorrow morning?” And you, being lazy and also very easily persuaded (especially by your own mind) will EVERY SINGLE TIME go “GREAT IDEA, ME! I will so totally get up and do laundry! I have never done that before, but I will do it this time!” And then the first part of your brain (which turns out to be the mean and tricky part) just sits there smirking because guess what, that has never been done in the history of mornings. Good old 6 a.m.’s gonna come around, you’re going to wake up long enough to think “Fuuuuuuck” and then you’re going back to a complicated dream involving people eating oranges while being chased. Have fun wearing Halloween socks tomorrow. Halloween socks unbummer: Sockwise, does it get any cooler than a pair of holiday socks? That’s a serious question. Ass bummer: Donkeys suck.

Too Busy To Write A Bummer

When you’re too busy to write a bummer it’s a bummer. It’s a bummer because it means that you’re actually doing work instead of getting paid to google “cool dogs” and then pretend to be typing in an excel document when your boss walks by. Cause when your job cuts into your goofing off time its like wtf, adulthood was supposed to be all pizza parties and staying up late. Cool dogs unbummer: you’re welcome for your new favorite thing to look at.

Googling Rock Of Love Bus

Googling Rock of Love Bus is a bummer. It’s a bummer because pull it together, dude! You seriously have nothing better to do than look up what happened on TV’s trashiest (yet most entertaining) show last night? Besides, you can guess what happened. A girl with giant implants got trashed and poured a drink on another girl. Everyone cried and no one wore pants. Then someone went home. Plus, that shit is on all the time. It’s probably on right now! Don’t open yourself up to the unique shame bred from clicking on a Rock of Love message board. You’ve got enough on your plate. Hair metal unbummer: Luxurious mane!

No Lox

When the bagel store is out of lox it’s a bummer. It’s a bummer because an everything bagel with cream cheese and lox and tomato is basically the most perfect meal ever invented and without the lox it takes on the subtle but distinct flavor of disappointment and that’s not a very good way to start the day. It’s especially a bummer if at one point you were eating so much lox that you had to quit Speed The Plow. Best joke ever unbummer: See previous sentence.