Leaving New York

Moving away from New York is a bummer. Even though New York is a complete shit hole (Have you seen other cities? They’re actually clean! You can like eat off a pigeon’s back in Boston, it’s so pristine.) and doing a pedestrian task like shipping a box is so monumentally difficult that if you don’t get the dry heaves from anxiety halfway through you can consider it a successful errand, it’s still head and shoulders above any other place on Earth. New York is the greatest because it’s a Mecca for cool dorks who read books and wear dumb glasses and don’t care about their day jobs so long as they can afford booze and eggs florentine on weekends. And everything that’s not awesome about it, like Wall Street bros or a subway fare hikes or rent or whatever, is all cancelled out by Brooklyn and drag queens and the fact that every once in a while, you can have a night where all the stars align, and all the weirds you hang out with are out in their full regalia, and beers are cheap and everyone’s comic timing is just right, and you know that it’s a moment of distilled perfection. Not a bummer: coming soon, more L.A. bummers.

Best Pal Moves Away

When your best pal moves away it’s a bummer. It’s a bummer because like the Fountain of Youth and leprechauns, BFFs are hard to find! When you have a friend who is as (if not more) into things like Halloween, the founding fathers and Mark Twain as you are, you need to hide that light under a bushel! Opportunities for a lifetime of riffing do not come your way very often! Having your best pal move away is especially a bummer if you’ve been having a laugh for almost a quarter of a century, so when you’re like “Check out the pants on Jason Mraz over there” she’s automatically like, “I’ve got the remedy for that. The remedy is don’t wear them.” How are you supposed to replace that? Are you supposed to make a Craigslist ad, like “Advertising looks and jokes a must. No big hair”? On the bright side, now you’ll finally have an excuse to leave the city and go make fun of people in a new part of the country. Bon Voyage, Erin. The city won’t be the same without you. Childhood unbummer: If you are unfamiliar with Annie Bananie, educate yourself.

Bro Movies

Bro movies are a bummer. What started out as a funny take on the buddy movie has slowly disintegrated into a regurgitation of trite characters and tired gags. Uh-oh! Two lovable schlubs are hanging out and–what do you know–the stuff they’re doing is homoerotic?! No way!!!!! Wait, bros have feelings too? And like to be friends with other bros? Get the fuck out of town! These movies are turning into the 21st century version of  ”black people do it like THIS and white people do it like THAT,” you know like, “you think dudes are like THIS but they’re actually like THAT.” Um, yeah. Doye. Have you been outside lately? Bros are everywhere. In fact, possibly the worst part of this broverload is that it’s breeding more bros, and christ knows that’s the last demographic that’s lacking in representation.  Yo, Apatow. Please stop encouraging the broliferation. It’s pretty safe to say the world is all stocked up.

Suspended For Retarded Protest

Getting suspended for staging a retarded protest is a bummer. Getting your dumb ass kicked out of NYU for a protest that rivaled “Soy Bomb” in its level of WTF is a bummer, because now you have to explain to your parents that you threw your future in the garbage in an effort to get a college to airlift Hershey bars to Darfur, or whatever. You think they’re going to be ok with that? You think they’re going to let you take a mulligan and chill out at home while you finish up your Oberlin application? Fuck that. Boomers are pretty “been there, done that, got the t-shirt” about protests, so the likelihood that they’re going to see this as some kind of noble crusade is about 0%. You are screwed. On the bright side, now you have plenty of time to go hang out in a Quizno’s until someone agrees to send pencils to East Timor. Protesting the protest unbummer: The brave soldiers on the front lines, holding it down for jokesters everywhere.

Coffee Cart Guy Disappears

When your coffee cart guy disappears it’s a bummer. It’s a bummer because after you’ve been getting your coffee from the same dude every day for six months, you start looking forward to the small talk about his family in Algeria and the fact that he knows your order as soon as you walk up. When all of a sudden he’s not there, it’s like a slap in the face. And when he’s not there the day after that or the day after that, you get a little hurt like, “How could he skip town and not tell me? Is he on another corner, bantering with some other customer? What did I do wrong?” To add insult to the injury of essentially getting dumped, now you have to find another coffee cart, teach the guy your order, and make sure you get there at the same time every morning so he remembers you. It’s almost too much to bear. Also a bummer: Getting too invested in a relationship with the coffee cart guy. Make a friend or something.

Day Mixup

Having a day mixup is a bummer. You know, like when you’re all “woot woot it’s Friday! TGIF, ya’ll!!!” but it turns out that it’s only Thursday. Or when you think it’s time for the Top Chef finale and you go to turn it on and it’s just a repeat of the Real Housewives cause it’s Tuesday, not Wednesday. Not that the Real Housewives aren’t awesome or anything (gotta love sand-papery chest flesh/people getting snubbed every two seconds), but they’re a pretty paltry substitute when you’ve been building yourself up for Tom Colicchio’s mesmerizingly shiny pate all day long. Feels good in your mouth unbummer: saying “Colicchio.” Kind of a jerk bummer: Tom Colicchio. Why so stern, lady?

Sitting On A Joke

Sitting on a joke is a bummer. Thinking of a good joke and then having to sit on it because either A) you’re by yourself (riffing when no one is listening is the same as dancing like no one is watching, i.e. stupid) or B) the right situation for its use has not yet arisen is a total bummer, because sometimes you have to go months or even years before you get to take that check to the bank and cash it. Before you know it, you’re sitting on such a mountain of laughs that you basically have to hire a sherpa who, when you’re at a party and someone is acting really erratic, will lean over and go “I believe the one you’re looking for is ‘Who brought Amy Bi-Poehler?’”

Internet Censorship

Internet censorship is a bummer. Apparently a thin-skinned whiney loser asshole baby got her feelings hurt because she was being made fun of on the Internet and complained until Tumblr pulled down the “offensive” sites. Hey, guess what, jerk-off? The Internet was invented for making fun of people. Besides secret stalking your frenemies, that is its only use. If you can’t take it, get off the Internet.  And while you’re at it, get dead. And while you’re at it, go straight to hell where, upon your arrival, everyone down there is gonna be all like “Holy shit, were we this terrible? Goddamn.” Tumblr is so fucktarded bummer: If you’re going to shut down people’s websites based on a ridiculous and arbitrary rule, you should probs do it AFTER you implement the rule, not before. This horse’s life sucks bummer: See pic.

Email Subject Lines

Email subject lines are a bummer. If you’re emailing one of the five people that you email constantly then there’s no sweat whatsoever. You can just type any old nonsense like “butt sandwich” or  ”punxsutawny phil: friend or foe???” and the recipient isn’t gonna say shit, cause he’s already down with the cause and plus you saw him puke all over a pay phone back back in college so who the freak is he to talk anyway.  But if you’re sending a semi-formal email to a stranger things can get really harry subject line-wise. All of a sudden, the place where you’d usually just write “2kewl 2B 4gotten,” you now have to craft a four word masterpiece that straddles the line between witty and serious AND concisely summarizes the email. You’re about to be so at a loss that you basically become a stump. Also a bummer: why was sugarpot15 cc’d on what appears to be a very personal, borderline unintelligible email? Not even bcc’d???

Milky Water

Milky water is a bummer. Perhaps you have not experienced this phenomenon, in which case, consider yourself charmed, because milky water is sick (and not sick as in “sicker than your average, poppa twist cabbage off instinct,” sick as in “I’m puking in my mouth.”) The Internet says cloudy water is caused by air bubbles and is completely harmless, but conventional wisdom says that cloudy water is caused by extreme disgustingness and shouldn’t be trusted any more than all this diseased peanut butter that’s going around (BTW, does anyone else feel pretty laissez-faire about that whole thing? Like, killer Skippy. Yawn. What’s that octomom up to?) Creepily disgusting mental picture bummer: Filling up a water bottle with milk and bringing it to school to sip casually during class. Crappy poster bummer: Milky water is not motivational (See pic).