Parking Ticket

Getting a parking ticket is a bummer. In some joke places, like small towns in the South, it’s so hard to get a parking ticket that they’ll only give you one if they catch you like somehow parked on top of the mayor’s car. And even then it’s like four bucks and you can pay in dimes if you feel like it (and have that many dimes). That’s how it should be, because parking is not very serious. But in real places, if you’re caught with a meter that has expired by one nanosecond, some dickhead on a segway charges you 8 million dollars. And then you spend the rest of the day driving yourself crazy because the reason you even parked there was to run into the store and buy a KitKat. And it’s like shit, fucking KitKat just cost 52 bones. Groaty candy bummer: go to Mars, strawberry KitKats, you’re sickening.

Spontaneously Smelly Hands*

 

Spontaneously smelly hands are a bummer.  Because you’re just chilling, minding your own business, when suddenly your hand brushes dangerously close to your nose and you’re like “Damn! Whose butt were my fingers up?!”  You pore over your hand’s whereabouts for the past few minutes, and 9 times out of 10 you’ll be unable to determine why your hand spontaneously smells like a cat vomited rotten bleu cheese all up on you.  To make matters worse, upon noticing the rancid smell radiating from your hand, it becomes all but impossible to stop smelling it.  You’re doomed to an indeterminate period of nonstop hand smelling till you Purell those nasty little buggers to death. Who Moved My Cheese bummer: That cat had it coming for eating rotten bleu cheese! 

*This guest bummer by Harrison Peck who is so freaking famous right now.**

**If you wanna be as rich as Harrison, send  your bummers to totalbumout@gmail.com.

Choosing The Hottest Obama Cabinet Member

Choosing the hottest Obama cabinet member is a bummer. It’s a bummer because this is the fine-ist cabinet on record, so choosing just one makes Sophie’s Choice look like rock paper scissors. Let’s review the options. Rahm Emanuel? McBabe and Mrs. Miller. Eric Holder? Babeas Corpus. Jon Favreau? Mr. Roger’s Baberhood. Timmy Geits? Babertooth tiger. And that’s not even including the ComMANder-in-Chief himself. There are so many hotties in Washington that watching C-SPAN has basically turned into a live action Pokemon game: Gotta catch ‘em all!

MTA Fare Hike

The MTA fare hike is a bummer. You know what was the most effective marketing technique of all time? Pricing things at one cent off the dollar. $9.99? Sold! $10? Nope. This tactic has been getting Value Meals sold for years because everyone loves a bargain, even if that bargain is completely fictitious. This tactic is also why the fare hike stings so bad. Price that monthly pass at $99 and everyone’s like “Oh, I guess that’s not so bad.” But kick it up to $103 and now the response is “OVER A HUNDRED DOLLARS? Why don’t you just take a pound of flesh while you’re at it? Here, take my first born, MTA.” Yeah, sure, MTA needs that extra $4, but why don’t they just make Roger Toussaint pay it? Rumor has it he’s diving into a pool of gold doubloons at this very moment. Vaguely related bummer: Getting your bag searched by MTA. Really, guys? You’re getting serious about this now?

Buying One Can Of Tuna

Buying one can of tuna is a bummer. Is there any faster way to Bridget Jonestown than going to the store and purchasing a solitary can of Bumblebee? Perhaps the only thing sadder is getting to the register with three cans of Fancy Feast and one small container of plain yogurt and with wide, shining eyes turning to the checkout girl and going “Zippers is really going to eat like a king tonight!” Seriously, if you purchase one can of tuna you are basically proving to the world that you are Helena Bonham Carter’s weird witch character in Big Fish, except with less being married to Tim Burton in real life and more spending an inordinate amount of time thinking up names for imaginary cats.

Subway Evangelists

Subway evangelists are a bummer. Not Subway with a capital “S” evangelists, as in people who are so into five dollar footlongs that they spend their whole day spreading the word about sammys, because those people, if they exist, are national treasures. In contrast, subway with a lowercase “s” evangelists, meaning people trying to save your soul on public transit, are a bummer, because jeez lady, it’s pre-9 a.m. Save the burning questions of existence for the afternoon. The only thing people should have to think about this early is how in the way you and your stupid tracts are (very) and how you better move your preachy ass (fast). Also a bummer: How freaking polite and kind these people are. It’d be a lot easier to give them the finger if they were assholes. Apocalypse wow unbummer: Judging from the looks on these people’s faces, the rapture is gonna be dope! (See pic).

Job Hunt

Job hunts are a bummer. There’s this thing people say about giving birth which is that it sucks really bad or whatever but it’s cool because you forget how miserable the whole horrifying process was like one second after you see your baby’s wittle face. Getting a job is kinda like that, cause all the pain and anxiety associated with going on interviews and getting rejected 5000 times and what not evaporates the second someone hires you. But then it just doubly burns the next time you have to do it, because it’s like, “oh yeah, this is the part where a creature forces its way out of my uterus.” Talk about a double-edged sword.

Gum That Might Be Gross

Gum that might be gross is a bummer. It’s not the “gross” part that’s the bummer, although eating something gross is certainly a bummer in its own right, but that whole can of worms is totally overshadowed by the “might” part. Gum that might be gross is a bummer because it is virtually impossible to tell if the gum is awesome or disgusting. For example, Orbitz Mint Mojito. As soon as you put it in your mouth, you’re like “Oh my god barf!” but after a minute you’re like “Wait, I take it back? This rules?” And then a second later you’re like “Nope, I was right the first time.” And then another second later you’re like “Wait a second, this is good, I think.” It’s so infuriating and confusing that after five minutes you’re basically having a seance to raise Linnaeus so you can be like “Please sir, I need a taxonomy of gums.” Also a bummer, maybe: Linnaeus joke?

Madoff’s Guilty Plea

Bernie Madoff’s guilty plea is a bummer. It’s a bummer because since he pleaded guilty but didn’t cut some kind of deal with the government, he doesn’t have to dish any dirt about how he stole that eleventy billion dollars and who helped him do it.  Come on, dude! That’s not any fun! This is America! Reveling in the sordid details of someone else’s spectacular downfall is a major part of the national character! How are you going to deprive the whole country of what it likes most: dining out on the misfortunes of others?! Talk about a crime. Also a bummer: Using Joker makeup to signify evil. Tres overdone, non?

Boxed In

Getting boxed in is a bummer. One of the down sides of driving a car is that there are all these new and heretofore un-thought-of ways for people to burn your ass. Like by cutting you off in traffic, or, say, PARKING ON ALL SIDES OF YOU. How big of an ARG!!! is it to go out to the garage only to discover that your relaxing morning has been turned into a life sized version of Rush Hour (the board game, not the Jackie Chan vehicle, see picture). Plus, if board games are turning real, one would hope that something cooler like Clue or Monopoly would be the first to come to life cause then you could atleast like, have fun running around between the conservatory and the ball room or chilling out with Uncle Pennybags on Pennsylvania Avenue (the green props rule, btw). B-ball bummer: getting boxed out.