Bee In The Room

When a bee gets in the room it’s a bummer. It’s a bummer because how did that happen? This place was sealed up like goddamn Fort Knox– screens on every window, all the doors locked, armed guards on round the clock bee watch– and yet somehow one of those lil fuckers managed to breech security. What kind of bootleg city has bees running around everywhere anyway? Didn’t they pave paradise so bees wouldn’t buzz in people’s ears and divebomb their heads when they’re trying to read the blogs? What it boils down to is that Jeff Goldblum was right in Jurassic Park when he said “nature will find a way.” He was referring to T-Rexes giving themselves a sex change (bottom surgery) so they could procreate, but still, it applies. Biggest unbummer of all time: Jurrassic Park. Tangentially related Jurassic Park unbummer courtesy of Molly: hold on to your butts.

Animals On The Train

Animals on the train are a bummer. When you’re on the train and all of a sudden you hear a noise and you’re like “Is that junkie barking?” and you turn around and no, it’s not a junkie, it’s someone’s freaking dog, it’s a total bummer because if you’re the kind of person who thinks pets are basically weird slaves for sad loners, having one forced all up in your grill makes you so angry that you turn into the Samuel L. Jackson of the G train (“Get that motherfuckin’ dog off this motherfuckin’ train”) except hopefully not wearing a Kangol. Fashion victory unbummer: Did Kangols finally lose the war? Huzzah! Animal train unbummer: Circus train.

Michael Phelps Pot Bust

Michael Phelps getting busted doing a bong hit is a bummer. The actual bust itself isn’t a bummer because OBVIOUSLY Michael Phelps smokes pot. Dolphins are like the stonedest animals on earth (why do you think they’re always laughing like that? And have you ever seen their eyes? Perma-baked). No, it’s a bummer because thanks to that photo, a ton of old people have said the word “bong,” and if there is anything more embarrassing than that, it’s unclear what it is. Thanks for nothing, Phelps.

Birds

Birds are a bummer. They’re a bummer because just who the fuck do they think they are? Do they really think they can jeopardize human lives and get away with it? Pretty ballsy, especially for a species that may not actually have balls. It turns out that it was a bad move, though, because now birds are X’d. They’re done until they realize that if they’re going to have rights (like for example continued existence), they have to accept responsibilities (like respecting flight patterns and looking where they’re going). Maybe flightless birds can stay, as long as they are eternally repentant for the failures of their brethren, but really, who needs them? Somewhere a scientist is growing a synthetic chicken in a lab right now, so that takes care of that, and besides occasionally whispering gossip in your ear, what has a bird done for you lately? Also a bummer: Rounding up all those birds is gonna be a huge hassle. Perhaps some kind of Pied Piper can be found for the job?

Animals Riding Animals

Animals riding animals is a bummer. It’s a bummer because animals have so little dignity to begin with that stripping them of their remaining self-respect by making them trot around atop each other has got to be a violation of their Eighth Amendment rights (assuming that there is a secret animal Bill of Rights that bears more than a passing resemblance to the U.S. Bill of Rights). Besides, if the goal is to rob animals of their remaining dignity, there’s got to be a way to do it that does not look suspiciously like hot inter-species beast on beast action. Also a bummer: Rodents in general (Freaking disgusting!)

*Pic for this bummer submitted by Chris, who has slightly more dignity than a stuffed mouse in a general’s cap riding a mangy guinea pig.