Mistaken For This Chick

Being mistaken for this chick is a bummer. It’s a bummer when people from your hometown start facebooking you out of the blue to find out if this is you. It’s like, who even knew that blog existed, but somehow everyone in a remote enclave of South Carolina reads it religiously? Is that what happened? Or did it go viral and everyone alerted each other to its existence until like your sister’s junior prom date is coming out of the woodwork to ask you about it. On the other hand, it’s a pretty eye-opening lesson about what your high school friends think of you. Namely that you’re some kind of tween with a weak chin who dresses like an idiot. Sobering.

Tiny Gloves

Tiny gloves are a bummer. Wearing gloves that cut off right at the wrist bone is almost worse than wearing no gloves at all, because since coats rarely encroach on hand territory, that means you’ve got a half-inch strip of exposed skin that is getting its ass kicked by the elements. For some reason, the wind is much more cruel when it’s focusing all it’s attention on what is basically the Siberia of the arm. Also tiny gloves suck because if you own a pair it means you don’t know how big your hands are and it’s like what the hell, get to know your limbs, dude. Tiny Gloves unbummer: Sounds like the name of a down-and-out boxer in a Nelson Algren story.

Lame Socks

Lame socks are a bummer. More specifically, getting busted wearing lame socks is a bummer. Say, for example, you’re getting ready to go out and you realize that every pair of tights you own has at least one hole, and most have three, so you throw on your coat and run down the street for a new pair. Then, while you’re in the store, you notice they’re having a shoe sale and you decide to try on some fly ass kicks. Everything’s copacetic til you sit down and take your Chucks off and then BLAM! SANTA SLIPPER SOCKS IN YOUR FACE! Not just one Santa either. A Santa and a snowman and a reindeer AND those treads on the bottom that keep you from falling down when you run downstairs to look under the tree on Christmas morning. Oh, the deep and abiding shame. Not a bummer: Non-public slipper socks. Those guys are comfy!

Broken Hairdryer

A broken hairdryer is a bummer. Especially if it’s not all the way broken, like if it works if you hold the cord in a certain position and do not under any circumstances move. This is a worse bummer than just regular old broken because it makes you think you can put off getting a new one. Bad news, you can’t. Well, you can, but then you’re going to wake up one morning to find that the thing has conked out for good, which, if you have the kind of haircut where you absolutely HAVE to dry it, will lead you to think “Maybe if I put my head in the oven, just for a minute or two …,” which will immediately be followed by you thinking “This could be rock bottom.” Also a bummer: Oven doesn’t work so that idea is right out the window.

Overpopularity of Chuck Taylors

The overpopularity of Chuck Taylors is a bummer. Back before The Strokes absolutely ruined several cool kid staples (Chucks, blazers, messy hair), Chuck Taylors were a great way to tell who was rad. If someone was wearing Cons, they were either totally in with the in crowd, or totally into The Sandlot (not that those two categories are mutually exclusive). Nowadays, they basically issue Chucks to everyone coming through the Lincoln Tunnel (that’s why there’s so much traffic). Even babies wear them. And while yeah, it’s cool that people are now turning up their noses at Sketchers or whatever, it means that in order to judge people you have to actually talk to them. And who has the time for that? 2001 nostalgia unbummer: Boy, those Strokes were cute, right?

Lint Roller Loses Its Stickiness

When your lint roller loses its stickiness its a bummer. It’s a bummer because the sole function of a lint roller is to be sticky, so when it stops being adhesive it’s basically just taking up space in your apartment and not paying a dime in rent. The only thing you can do with those guys after they go dry is use them as microphones when you sing “Respect” in front of the mirror. Now you have to wait until your mom sends you another package to get another one (that’s the only place you can get lint rollers) unless you want to do the one where you tear off strips of duct tape and go crazy on your shirt, which, face it, is pretty barbaric.

Wearing Socks

Wearing socks is a bummer. Even though summer has been over for donks, putting on socks is an admission that this winter thing is actually going to happen again. It’s especially a bummer if you grew up in a sub-tropical paradise where the outlandishness of socks was trumped only by those so-called “coats” that you had heard of but never seen. Plus, wearing socks feels like putting your feet in The Chokey, and what did they ever do to deserve that, besides encourage Brucey to finish that whole cake and make stuff move with their eyes? Also a bummer: mean socks (pictured). Roald Dahl unbummer: Matilda.

Slutty Halloween Costumes

Slutty Halloween costumes are a bummer. Some one needs to explain to girls who didn’t have nice dads that Halloween is less about novelty garters than it is about the platonic love between two robots and an atomic bomb (pictured). Plus, unless you’re trying to look like a ham caught in a chainlink fence, you probably shouldn’t ever wear fishnet tights. On the other hand, if you put together, say, a perfectly executed home made Garfield costume (instructions here) it’s basically guaranteed that everyone is going to beg you to do hilarious things like run around and fall down and hug that one guy until you’re like “jeez dudes, get off my nuts, isn’t anyone else here dressed as a fat animal?” Not a bummer: what’s more perfect about that A-bomb costume? The mushroom cloud or the jeans and New Balances down below?

Losing A Button

Losing a button is a bummer. It’s a bummer because that pretty much spells Doomsday for that article of clothing. Even if you managed to keep the spare that came with it, the idea of you sitting there sewing on a button like freaking Betsy Ross is totally absurd, and frankly, not going to happen. Plus, if the button loss goes down in the middle of the day, and the victim is, say, the top button of your shirt, you have to walk around like either Rico Suave or the Whore of Babylon until it’s time to go home. And if (God forbid) the button is from your pants, you’re automatically thrust into a situation that is so potentially embarrassing, it’s possible you’ll never live it down. Puzzling sartorial bummer: losing a button does not account for why you wore a blazer with no shirt.

Accidentally See-through

Accidentally wearing something see-through is a bummer. It’s a bummer because since you’re unaware that you’re like a whisker away from mooning everyone on the G train, you can’t even reap the benefits of showing off the goods, like for example mardi gras beads or self-esteem boosts derived from the catcalls of drunken fratboys and/or homeless men. Not a bummer, if it’s your thing: Intentional see-through. Google bummer: Trying to find a non-lewd photo of a transparent garment.