Buying One Can Of Tuna

Buying one can of tuna is a bummer. Is there any faster way to Bridget Jonestown than going to the store and purchasing a solitary can of Bumblebee? Perhaps the only thing sadder is getting to the register with three cans of Fancy Feast and one small container of plain yogurt and with wide, shining eyes turning to the checkout girl and going “Zippers is really going to eat like a king tonight!” Seriously, if you purchase one can of tuna you are basically proving to the world that you are Helena Bonham Carter’s weird witch character in Big Fish, except with less being married to Tim Burton in real life and more spending an inordinate amount of time thinking up names for imaginary cats.

Gum That Might Be Gross

Gum that might be gross is a bummer. It’s not the “gross” part that’s the bummer, although eating something gross is certainly a bummer in its own right, but that whole can of worms is totally overshadowed by the “might” part. Gum that might be gross is a bummer because it is virtually impossible to tell if the gum is awesome or disgusting. For example, Orbitz Mint Mojito. As soon as you put it in your mouth, you’re like “Oh my god barf!” but after a minute you’re like “Wait, I take it back? This rules?” And then a second later you’re like “Nope, I was right the first time.” And then another second later you’re like “Wait a second, this is good, I think.” It’s so infuriating and confusing that after five minutes you’re basically having a seance to raise Linnaeus so you can be like “Please sir, I need a taxonomy of gums.” Also a bummer, maybe: Linnaeus joke?

Coffee Cart Guy Disappears

When your coffee cart guy disappears it’s a bummer. It’s a bummer because after you’ve been getting your coffee from the same dude every day for six months, you start looking forward to the small talk about his family in Algeria and the fact that he knows your order as soon as you walk up. When all of a sudden he’s not there, it’s like a slap in the face. And when he’s not there the day after that or the day after that, you get a little hurt like, “How could he skip town and not tell me? Is he on another corner, bantering with some other customer? What did I do wrong?” To add insult to the injury of essentially getting dumped, now you have to find another coffee cart, teach the guy your order, and make sure you get there at the same time every morning so he remembers you. It’s almost too much to bear. Also a bummer: Getting too invested in a relationship with the coffee cart guy. Make a friend or something.

No Lox

When the bagel store is out of lox it’s a bummer. It’s a bummer because an everything bagel with cream cheese and lox and tomato is basically the most perfect meal ever invented and without the lox it takes on the subtle but distinct flavor of disappointment and that’s not a very good way to start the day. It’s especially a bummer if at one point you were eating so much lox that you had to quit Speed The Plow. Best joke ever unbummer: See previous sentence.

Soup Disaster

Having a soup disaster is a bummer. Soup disaster is the worst kind of lunch malfunction because soup is like the A-bomb of lunch foods as far as the amount of damage it can do. While the worst disaster a sandwich can muster (ha, mustard) is rubbery cold cuts,  soup is over here leveling Hiroshima with a steady flow of vegetarian jambalaya. If your sammy’s got a little too much mayo, it’s like, “sick, but no biggy,” but if, say, your New England clam spills INSIDE your bag on the way back from Hale and Hearty, not only are you gonna look like a  butt trying to get all the shellfish out of your running shoes back at work, you’re also gonna smell like Ishmael after round ten with Moby D for the rest of the day.

Too Much Dressing

Too much dressing is a bummer. It’s especially a bummer if you explicitly asked for just a little bit, cause then you know the salad guy did it on purpose to teach you a lesson about being a bratty customer. In fact, the whole catastrophe could have been averted if you had just repressed your need to be picky, which proves once and for all that salad guys are masters of behavioral conditioning. AP psych unbummer: making Pavlov’s dog references wherever possible. Canine band unbummer: have you heard P-lov’s D’s record (pictured)?!

Long Coffee Line

Waiting in a long line to get your morning coffee is a bummer. It’s a bummer because containing your murderous rage before you’ve consumed caffeine is nigh impossible to begin with, and will only be exacerbated when the people in front of you order really complex drinks with 10,000 qualifiers. It’s especially a bummer if get you your coffee in the yuppified neighborhood near your work, with a lot of young moms in stretch pants pushing strollers. Frankly, it’s pretty irresponsible for ladies to bring their kids to a store full of people fiending so bad for a controlled substance that it might as well be crack house. Because although you’d rather not have to slay a crying baby before 9 a.m., you can’t make any promises. Also a bummer: after waiting in line for 15 minutes, they hand you a cup of liquid dirt.

Grapes With Seeds

Grapes with seeds are a bummer. There’s a good chance you bought them accidentally, probably because you were distracted by the major vinegar spill in aisle 5 that coincided perfectly with your produce selection. This makes ‘em a double bummer, because now not only did you not get the right thing, you got something that forces you to spit every five seconds. If you got them on purpose, you’re probably into spitting into your hand a lot, which is a problem that flies way past bummer and lands squarely in severe behavioral disorder. Also a bummer: Spitting every five seconds. Minor disaster unbummer: The hilarity of a major vinegar spill.

Stepping In Gum

Stepping in gum is a bummer. It’s a bummer because you have deal with it right away, unless you want to attract other detritus. If you even go one block before stopping to scrape your shoe on the curb, you will discover your foot has become an electro-magnet for all kinds of old receipts and discarded love letters. Plus, if it’s a really serious case and you have to take off your shoe, things quickly escalate from “minor inconvenience” to “being mistaken for a bum.” Also a bummer: Barefoot on the sidewalk. Sartorial un-bummer: jazz era two-tone wing tips (above).

Messy Snack At Work

Eating a messy snack at work is a bummer. Eating a messy snack at work is a bummer because now you and your desk are covered in peach juice and regardless of setting, it’s embarrassing to get busted licking something off your palm. Children’s literature un-bummer: James and the Giant Peach.