No Friends

Having no friends is a bummer. When you move to a new city and only have like a few casual acquaintances you see at parties, it’s pretty all right at first. You finally have enough time to read all you want and listen to records and catch up on your thinking about genies without being made to go to brunch or a birthday circle jerk every two seconds. But then one day it dawns on you that you haven’t talked to another person in four days. And when an Asian baby says hi to you at the grocery store you’re so starved for human interaction that you find yourself unable to shut up all like “Hi! Omg is that lollipop from the bank? I LOVE bank lollipops. Your hair looks so great. Wanna go see the new Jim Jarmusch movie this week? I’ll facebook you!” And it’s like, get a hold of yourself, dude, bank lollipops are terrible. Adorable unbummer: Asian babies. Good parenting unbummer: that guy’s sammy (burger???) outfit.

Forgetting Your Blog’s Birthday

Forgetting your blog’s birthday is a bummer. It’s a bummer because even though it was a total accident, your blog is going to get all offended like “How could you??????” and is then going to hold a grudge until YOUR birthday comes around, at which point your blog will pretend to forget all about it, as a long-awaited, passive-aggressive punishment for your slip-up. And then, to get your blog back, you have to not get it a Christmas gift, or skip its art opening or something, which will prompt it to never again compliment your new haircut, or to blow off your house warming party or whatever, and on and on and on til infinity. Cool out unbummer: Blogs aren’t people, get a grip. Belated blog birthday un-bummer: Happy one year (on May 5) b-day, Bummer. Thanks for yielding tens of laughs for people Google image searching “minotaur” and “pink eye.”

Mistaken For This Chick

Being mistaken for this chick is a bummer. It’s a bummer when people from your hometown start facebooking you out of the blue to find out if this is you. It’s like, who even knew that blog existed, but somehow everyone in a remote enclave of South Carolina reads it religiously? Is that what happened? Or did it go viral and everyone alerted each other to its existence until like your sister’s junior prom date is coming out of the woodwork to ask you about it. On the other hand, it’s a pretty eye-opening lesson about what your high school friends think of you. Namely that you’re some kind of tween with a weak chin who dresses like an idiot. Sobering.

Best Pal Moves Away

When your best pal moves away it’s a bummer. It’s a bummer because like the Fountain of Youth and leprechauns, BFFs are hard to find! When you have a friend who is as (if not more) into things like Halloween, the founding fathers and Mark Twain as you are, you need to hide that light under a bushel! Opportunities for a lifetime of riffing do not come your way very often! Having your best pal move away is especially a bummer if you’ve been having a laugh for almost a quarter of a century, so when you’re like “Check out the pants on Jason Mraz over there” she’s automatically like, “I’ve got the remedy for that. The remedy is don’t wear them.” How are you supposed to replace that? Are you supposed to make a Craigslist ad, like “Advertising looks and jokes a must. No big hair”? On the bright side, now you’ll finally have an excuse to leave the city and go make fun of people in a new part of the country. Bon Voyage, Erin. The city won’t be the same without you. Childhood unbummer: If you are unfamiliar with Annie Bananie, educate yourself.

Coffee Cart Guy Disappears

When your coffee cart guy disappears it’s a bummer. It’s a bummer because after you’ve been getting your coffee from the same dude every day for six months, you start looking forward to the small talk about his family in Algeria and the fact that he knows your order as soon as you walk up. When all of a sudden he’s not there, it’s like a slap in the face. And when he’s not there the day after that or the day after that, you get a little hurt like, “How could he skip town and not tell me? Is he on another corner, bantering with some other customer? What did I do wrong?” To add insult to the injury of essentially getting dumped, now you have to find another coffee cart, teach the guy your order, and make sure you get there at the same time every morning so he remembers you. It’s almost too much to bear. Also a bummer: Getting too invested in a relationship with the coffee cart guy. Make a friend or something.

High School Mean Girls*

High school mean girls are a huge bummer. They’re a bummer because let’s face it, they’re all straight up bitches. They prance around in their stupid Abercrombie logo tees thinking they’re so awesome. Too bad they don’t know that soon enough they’ll be working at the make-up counter in Belks for a living! Karma sucks! Or even better, maybe they will end up fat like the girls from Romy and Michelle’s High School Reunion! 

*This guest bummer by Taylor Somers, who is so freaking famous right now.**

**If you want to be as rich as T.S., send your bummers to totalbumout@gmail.com

Ghost Town

Hanging around in a ghost town is a bummer. Not a ghost town as in a ville inhabited solely by ghosts, which may be a spooky bummer in and of itself, although it seems that once you made some acquaintances in the ghost town saloon it’d be pretty fun (assuming they have a good ghost piano player and a cool skeleton playing a xylophone of bones), but a ghost town as in a city devoid of all your friends. When all your pals go home for the holidays and you’re the only one around, it’s like you’re the only survivor of some 28 Days Later-type scenario. That kind of thinking can get out of hand fast and before you know it you’ve dug yourself into a self-imposed depression so deep that you cry when you hear the Cheers theme. Get-a-grip unbummer: Your friends come back and are like “What are you doing? We’re meeting at the bar at 3.” Cheers theme unbummer: Sometimes you really DO want to go someplace where everybody knows your name.

Being Upstaged

Being upstaged is a bummer. It’s a bummer to try so hard to get your outfit and hair and stance and lifejacket right only to be upstaged by some dumb baby who’s not even trying. Also a bummer: Making a baby go canoeing.

Embarrassing Old Pics Of You

When your friends get their hands on embarrassing old pics of you it’s a bummer. It’s a bummer because once people see your bar mitzvah photo with the side part and the round glasses, the jig is pretty much up on the elaborate myth you’ve been telling everyone about being “born cool.” Since the early nineties predates the invention of kids not looking like total tools one hundred percent of the time, your friends are bound to see a shmucky picture of you at some point. This means that your parents and siblings are basically biding their time until they totally blow up your spot with that shot of you dressed as Sporty Spice from Halloween ‘96. Heart-breakingly sincere antibummer: Scott on his bar mitzvah day (above).

Walking In On Boning

Walking in on two people hooking up is a bummer. Walking in on more than two people hooking up is obviously not a bummer, because the rarity of it catapults it straight from bumout to awe-inspiring once in a lifetime phenomenon, like seeing Halley’s Comet or something. But walking in on two of your friends doing it is a bummer because it’s super awkward. And even though you’re probably secretly pissed like “thanks, Sally, I really wanted to see your boyfriend’s dick today,” you have to be really apologetic as if it’s your fault that they didn’t lock the door. Opposite but equal bummer: getting walked in on. Tangentially related Mark Twain unbummer: having Halley’s Comet book-end your life.