Axe Body Spray

Axe Body Spray is a bummer. It’s a bummer because the fact that it exists means that there are dudes out there who think that the ladies are cuckoo for coco puffs over musk-flavored manfume. True, perhaps there are a handful of girls who go apey when they catch a whiff of lacrosse player, but there are definitely many more who think that they only thing Axe is good for is spraying in your sister’s face in WalMart in order to start an epic Scent War that only ends when somebody is being held down and having an entire can emptied into her mouth. Huge dilemma bummer: What if you were at a dude’s house and you found some? Would you make fun of him and THEN leave, or would you leave right away and make fun of him at a later date? Decisions, decisions.

Spontaneously Smelly Hands*

 

Spontaneously smelly hands are a bummer.  Because you’re just chilling, minding your own business, when suddenly your hand brushes dangerously close to your nose and you’re like “Damn! Whose butt were my fingers up?!”  You pore over your hand’s whereabouts for the past few minutes, and 9 times out of 10 you’ll be unable to determine why your hand spontaneously smells like a cat vomited rotten bleu cheese all up on you.  To make matters worse, upon noticing the rancid smell radiating from your hand, it becomes all but impossible to stop smelling it.  You’re doomed to an indeterminate period of nonstop hand smelling till you Purell those nasty little buggers to death. Who Moved My Cheese bummer: That cat had it coming for eating rotten bleu cheese! 

*This guest bummer by Harrison Peck who is so freaking famous right now.**

**If you wanna be as rich as Harrison, send  your bummers to totalbumout@gmail.com.

Public Fingernail Clipping

Seeing someone clip their fingernails in public is a bummer. It’s a bummer because even though in theory you knew you’d be grossed out by something like that, in practice it is so far more disgusting than you could ever imagine that it knocks the wind out of you and you get off the train shaking your head like “You win this round, universe.” It’s also a bummer because it reminds you of that part in Catcher In The Rye (Right before Holden leaves school and goes and has all that angst with the ducks and whores) where he’s in his room talking to his gross-out to humanity roommate who, during the conversation, is clipping his toenails onto the rug and you realize that of all the classic parts in this novel, this is the one that’s stuck with you the most, and then you have to decide whether it’s sad, weird or both that for you the novel was little more than a well-written PSA for appropriate roommate etiquette.

Stench In Union Square

The stench in the Union Square subway station is a bummer. It’s a bummer because, um, IT SMELLS LIKE RAW SEWAGE!!!! What in the name of Jesus H. happened down there? Admittedly, it always smells terrible in the subway, but this time it’s like 10,000 times worse than anything you could dream up in your worst-smelling dream! And it’s been going on for a week now. If you go to the L platform (don’t do it man!!), you’ll find that everyone there is retching, like literally gagging, if not actually puking. And if you absolutely no way around it have to go down there, you better make sure that you’re not chewing gum, unless you want it to taste like you are chomping on sewage mixed with essence of bum mixed with the flavor of your own vomit because you will be freaking barfing dude, dollars to donuts. It’s gotten so bad that even cool pigs (pictured) are all like “gosh, what is this, the eighth circle of hell?”

Old Gum

Old gum is a bummer. Putting a piece of gum in your mouth only to have it disintegrate into tiny gum crumbs is like getting sucker punched, albeit without the whole gasping for breath, potential black-eye, third degree assault elements. Now your mouth is filled with mint dust and unless you want to spit out tiny gum flecks for the next five minutes, you have to get going with some serious tongue action to try and mash it all together into a lump so maybe your brain gets tricked into not making you puke. Also a gum bummer: Juicy Fruit. Not a bummer: Trick gum that makes your mouth turn black.

Pumpkin Smell

Pumpkin smell is a bummer. It’s a bummer because the putrid stench of raw gourd is basically the only down side to carving pumpkins (besides the possibility of losing a finger, the fact that you’re not good at it, and the ultimate disappointment of a teenager inevitably smashing it one second after you put it outside). Seriously though, why the heck do pumpkin innards smell so bad? They’re pretty much as bad as animal innards, so when it comes down to it, the whole experience is about as pleasant as carving a whimsical design into your pet. And at least when you make a Cat O’ Lantern, the neighborhood kids know to stay the fuck away on cabbage night. Also a bummer: Pumkin smell (pictured). Nerdy try-hard unbummer: Barack O’ Lanterns.

Canker Sore

Canker sores are a bummer. They were a way bigger bummer in childhood because your mom would be like “okay no juice until it goes away,” and you’d be all, “oh my gaaaaaaaaaaaawwwwwwwd, mom! That is so unfair!!” And then you’d do the one where you walk around smacking your lips to emphasize how parched you were because when you’re a little kid, water  tastes like the world’s most boring poison. When you’re an adult, canker sores are still a bummer because you inevitably forget you have one and chomp down on it really hard when you’re chewing gum or eating ribs or whatever. You owe this blog big-time antibummer: getting to look at gorgeous lips instead of a picture of a canker sore.

Sneeze Attack

Sneeze attack is a bummer. It’s a bummer because even though you can’t control it (unless you want to do that thing where you screw up your face and use all your brain power to keep it in, which may result in a head explosion), you have to take responsibility for it, which means that after about four or five in a row, even the most compassionate, people-loving person in class is going to turn around and go “Jesus Christ, what is WRONG with you?” and all you can do is sink lower in your chair and pray that the mean girls haven’t nicknamed you The Sneezer yet. Grade school behavior never dies unbummer: Nicknaming a dude The Sneezer. Cute cute unbummer: Panda sneeze!

Cheap Wine

Cheap wine is a bummer.  In the most diabolical move in history, Trader Joe’s invented selling what amounts to bottles of paint thinner for $2 a pop, under the guise of wine. And when the host of a party decides to go all “classy” and buy said cheap wine instead of the worlds better cheap beer route, it’s the most infuriating thing ever. Because, seriously, the day you graduated from college, it’s like your organs got together (liver was leading the charge) and decided that if you ever drank that cursed hooch again they would take punitive measures until five o’clock the next afternoon. Plus, $2 wine is so clearly for bums and winos that it might as well be Mad Dog 20/20. High school bummer: ill-advised consumption of Mad Dog 20/20.

Clogged Drain

Clogged drain is a bummer. Clogged drain is a bummer because after standing in grey, ankle-deep water for two weeks, you’re going to have to do something about it. And the second you decide that the center will not hold anymore and you’ve got to loose anarchy upon that clog, you’ve got to admit to yourself that at some point during the process you’re going to have a handful of shower-byproduct sludge. It’s best not to ponder what’s involved in the creation of said sludge, and to instead take comfort in the fact that this is one of the only times you’re allowed to yell “OH MY GOD THIS IS SO FUCKING GROSS!” over and over until the task at hand is complete. Dance dance revolution unbummer: Clogging!