April Fool’s Day

April Fool’s Day is a bummer. Sike! April Fool’s Day is the best. Pranks rule forever, no takebacks. You’re probably like “Why are you wasting Interspace (that means space on the Internet, philistine) on the biggest doye of the century?” and the answer is “Because fuck you, that’s why. You’re not the boss of the Internet.” No, J/K again! This post is just an excuse to publicly tell the story about how one April Fool’s Day T.S. got up early and emptied out the shampoo and refilled the bottle with glue and managed to get both Erin and Molly! Haha! Suckers! Hilarious insult unbummer: Calling someone a fool. Try it, you’ll see. B-Movie bummer (or unbummer, depending on how you feel about teen slash flicks): I Know What You Did Last April Fool’s Day (see pic).

New Years Resolutions

New Years resolutions are a bummer. Has anyone ever in the history of the world kept a New Years resolution? Like rules and hearts, those fuckers are made to be broken. And what’s more depressing than kicking off the new year with a heaping spoonful of failure? Wouldn’t it be better if maybe everyone got together on Jan. 1 and predicted the new and innovative mistakes they’ll make this year? At least then when you have some awe-inspiring downfall or embarrassment, you can be like “Yes! Cross that puppy off the list! ‘09 is going great!” Bonus New Years Resolution bummer: Hearing about other people’s progress on their resolutions.

Underwhelming New Years

Having an underwhelming New Years Eve is a bummer. The fact that your New Years sucked is the biggest non-surprise of the century, considering that 2008 was a year that will live in infamy as a butt sandwich of such grand and sweeping scale that it rivaled 1929. But even so, no one could have foreseen that when you went to the roof of the loft* party you were at to watch the fireworks that would no doubt be illuminating the skyline, there would not in fact be even one measly bottle rocket to ring in ‘09. And surely, no one could have predicted that you and your friends, left on the roof without a TV, would botch the impromptu countdown so badly that a group of strangers standing nearby would end up getting exasperated and start in with the 10-9-8s pretty much at random so that the first moments of the new year would be spent with everyone howling “you’re lying! you’re lying!!!!!!” at the top of their lungs into the cavern of a night devoid of fireworks. Welcome to 2000 freaking 9. Also a bummer: crude drawing of a drunk baby new year.

*where loft equals not a loft

Crappy Relatives

Having crappy relatives is a bummer. This bummer comes into play only at the holidays, because for the rest of the 363 days of the year (or I guess like 357 if you celebrate all seven nights of Kwanzaa) you can just hole up in your apartment in New York City pretending you’re some kind of orphan or changeling and you’ve never even heard about your Grandpa’s wife’s weird butt, let alone seen it. But at Thanksgiving and Christmas, interactions with your insane extended family are inevitable, which means that the second you walk through the door you’re going to be thrust into a heated argument about whether or not it’s cool to defrost a turkey in the shower, and the crazy won’t let up until your sister throws a keyboard through a glass table “on accident.” Even though basically everyone wants to be like Kevin McCallister cause he’s super smart and good at beating robbers, it still sucks to find yourself in that one scene where all his cousins are acting like dicks and Uncle Frank flips his wig over a milk spill. Lifesaving unbummer: immediate families. Biggest unbummer in history: Home Alone.

Cabbage Night

Cabbage Night is a bummer. Back in adolescence, the night before Halloween was such a colossal unbummer it could be fairly classified as “the ultimate.” But in adulthood, things like egging your worst enemy’s house are considered more the acts of a deranged vandal than a mischievous prankster. Now Cabbage Night only serves as a reminder of your lost youth, when you were free to TP the principal’s front yard without being forced to ask yourself the question: am I so hard-core school is for fools that I am willing to travel 800 miles to slightly inconvenience a man who is undoubtedly retired and, at this point, seriously elderly? (Answer: yes). Birthday shout out unbummer: born on Cabbage Night = a lifelong dedication to sophomoric pranks. Holler back Molly Somers.

Slutty Halloween Costumes

Slutty Halloween costumes are a bummer. Some one needs to explain to girls who didn’t have nice dads that Halloween is less about novelty garters than it is about the platonic love between two robots and an atomic bomb (pictured). Plus, unless you’re trying to look like a ham caught in a chainlink fence, you probably shouldn’t ever wear fishnet tights. On the other hand, if you put together, say, a perfectly executed home made Garfield costume (instructions here) it’s basically guaranteed that everyone is going to beg you to do hilarious things like run around and fall down and hug that one guy until you’re like “jeez dudes, get off my nuts, isn’t anyone else here dressed as a fat animal?” Not a bummer: what’s more perfect about that A-bomb costume? The mushroom cloud or the jeans and New Balances down below?

Pumpkin Smell

Pumpkin smell is a bummer. It’s a bummer because the putrid stench of raw gourd is basically the only down side to carving pumpkins (besides the possibility of losing a finger, the fact that you’re not good at it, and the ultimate disappointment of a teenager inevitably smashing it one second after you put it outside). Seriously though, why the heck do pumpkin innards smell so bad? They’re pretty much as bad as animal innards, so when it comes down to it, the whole experience is about as pleasant as carving a whimsical design into your pet. And at least when you make a Cat O’ Lantern, the neighborhood kids know to stay the fuck away on cabbage night. Also a bummer: Pumkin smell (pictured). Nerdy try-hard unbummer: Barack O’ Lanterns.